This afternoon I have fallen to pieces after thoroughly enjoying the first half of my day (not including physio). I’ve lost it. Completely lost it.
I would say part of the emotions are coming from the ‘red demons’ which still haven’t come, as I usually experience a bit of depression at this time.
The year has been flashing through my brain. I was really getting somewhere with my career, really focusing on looking after my hair and skin, my hair was the longest and healthiest it had been in years and my skin, was crystal clear. My body was transforming and toning up so well by my hard work at the gym 5-7 days a week.
Now, I am dressed in loose pants and a fitted singlet with a big chunky gross post op bra with a cotton boob. My skin has broken out, oily as hell and I look old and drawn in the face. I feel bloated and puffy from tears and lack of exercise. My hair is short and I am wearing a baseball cap to try keep it up off my oily face in the heat because its too short to tie back.
What the hell did I do to deserve this. It pisses me off to see normal people today. Especially facebook. I don’t want to watch TV and see pretty faces. I don’t want to go do the grocery shopping because I look like a weirdo depressed lesbian. I don’t want to sit in the sun, because my skin is feeling sensitive from medications. I don’t want to go to bed because I won’t want to get back up again. I don’t feel like I want company, yet I am lonely, bored, sad and scared.
I hope these feelings subside. Because right now I feel like a BIG fat woosy loser.