A rough morning today. Repeats of yesterdays episodes pretty much. I feel like I am going insane at times and its outrageously uncontrollable. Its crazy what my head and body are doing and thinking whilst I am being injected with more and more information. My head feels like its going to actually explode. From the outside looking in, its a totally different thing, and I never expected it to be like this for me. Not to say that all my hard work on focusing on positivity and being strong is going to go down the drain.. Just, it is very complicated with different emotions popping up at odd times.

Today I stressed out because time is crucial, still waiting on this stupid cycle. I called the Coordination nurses at Concept to inform them and they were all in meetings till 2pm. Why am I always waiiiiiting! Anyway we got through to them around 145pm and I had to go in for a blood test. It will be able to tell us if my cycle is ‘basal’ enough for me to start the process even without bleeding present. So that is a good thing. I am just praying that I have not fallen pregnant? That would open a whole new chapter of bullshit. I get my results tomorrow at 2pm.

215pm I had to go to the Oncology place on Salvado Road. Its a huge building next to the Bendat Cancer Centre. Its one of those places you would drive past and gulp and think ‘wow, there would be so many sick people that would have to go there, I am so lucky’, yet now we are candidates for priority free parking. Whilst in the waiting room, a young child was pushed out in a wheelchair. He would of been about 8 years of age, no hair and kinda curled up into the chair. It was really sad.. He looked like he didn’t feel well and didn’t want to be there. It shook me up a lot because I know how much he’s probably been through and may not understand what’s even going on or why?

So I then met my radiologist. She is my other specialist who will be dealing with my Radiotherapy treatments once chemo is over. I already really knew everything about it. She was a really nice, supportive lady and answered all my questions with ease. She discussed why I needed it as not every patient who has chemo has both treatments. There was some blood vessels and cells effected with cancer which they picked up post op under the microscope. So this hopefully kills anything left in the area. The chest wall didn’t have as much clearance as they would of liked because I am a slim patient. Since swelling has subsided in the area, I can actually tell that they have taken some fatty deposit areas out from my upper chest because its slightly dented in a few areas.  I will be commencing radiotherapy around about the end of Feb 2011, it will be 5 days a week for 5 weeks. So 25 in total. Thank god for medicare cos this shit is so expensive. When I saw the bill my eyes must of popped out of my head.

I have become addicted to reading which I’ve always wanted to do yet, never believed it was for me. Its so therapeutic. I went to a book store with mum after my blood test and she bought me a couple of things. One book was just a little helpful one with good little uplifting affirmations to keep me sane when I need some cheering up, the other one is called ‘Anti Cancer – by  Dr David Servan-Schreiber’. I had a brief skim read and flick through and its quite a intense book with lots of medical terms but I am pretty clued in with a lot of that and think I will be able to keep up with it all. I swear I was meant to be a doctor, I have even been thinking of going back to working in a medical area when I am well again. I always enjoyed working one-on-one with a Pharmacist at a medical centre dispensing drugs and helping sick people. Mum thinks I should study something from home whilst I am sick.

Speaking of books, I completed that one I was reading by Louise Hay – You Can Heal Your Life. Its unreal and I recommend it to everyone out there for your own good. It will change your negative feelings towards things in life and see it from a different perspective.

I took Brooklyn for a walk to the park this afternoon. I needed a bit of fresh air and cardio. It was nice. Then I came home and sat with her out the back and blew bubbles with her. She loved it, she was chasing them and popping them with her nose.


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