Today I was blessed with the company of my two mummies. Yes, Rosa – Adam’s mum and obviously, my mama. We had a nice day. We shopped, drank coffee and ate delicious foods.
It wasn’t until mid conversation that a few things hadn’t sunk into my brain properly. We were discussing how Adam and I had to sign several detailed consent forms this week in regards to the IVF process. I was explaining to them how we had to sign all these crazy things like…
‘If I/We do not use the fertilized embryos, I/We ask for them to be: a) discarded b) donated for research or c) available for other couples.’
‘If one partner becomes unwell, ends up with physical/mental disorders or passes away, I/We agree to allow the other partner to take the fertilized embryos for use.’
‘If I/We separate or divorce, we would like the fertilized embryos to be: a) discarded b) donated for research or c) available for other couples.’
Adam and I had a good discussion whilst reading through the pages of information. The Gynecologist told us on our first visit that most people have a few months to think about these kind of things and take their time to decide what is going to be right for the future, but we had no time. It was a subject to decide within a couple of days amongst everything else. We are lucky to know each other so well and have very similar thoughts and outlooks on pretty much everything so this helped with our decisions. Firstly I thought ‘Ofcourse I would donate any left over eggs/all of them if not used, to another couple who is in similar situation to me! Without a doubt!’ But after a short talk, we thought actually… No… that means there could be one of OUR children out there, may not living a great life, abusive parents or something.. and maybe even have to come to the terms of them wanting to meet us years down the track or even in a bad case, after money or something crazy. Our children should be our own and I don’t want to risk one of our babies being unhappy and without their real parents.
I don’t know about you, but thats a pretty deep thing and something I guess no one really expects to be asked upon an unborn child or someone thats only recently become engaged and barely lived their life. What I am trying to also say.. is that along with dealing with the fact I have cancer, which is huge, there are so many other things and no, not ‘little things’, BIG things that are coming into the picture at the moment and it is heart breaking. I have always been a big baby lover and always known I would make the best mummy for a child. (I still believe this!)
Anyone who is unsure of what to say, or not good with these kind of situations, or reaaaally bad with words (yes I have had lots of comments that have come out very wrong!) A simple ‘I am thinking of you’ is enough. More than enough, I have had a few of these comments this week and its such a great feeling to know I am in peoples thoughts and I do not expect anyone to understand.
There are things I leave unsaid and unmentioned.
There are things that I feel and I can’t express.
That’s life – everyone has their own journey.
This is my journey and I am eager to see what the future holds.
Photography by Anne Geddes. Something our homes always consisted of when I lived with my mum. ❤