ZZzZzZz’s in need.

Betadine mouth wash & antiseptic ointment – check, vitamin E cream – check, kenalog mouth ulcer cream – check, Nilstat oral thrush meds – check, thermometer – check, salt walter mouth wash – check, antinausea pills – check, Nurofen – check…….Just daily things I need to have on me at all times.. The list could go on forever. But I won’t bore you with that.

Today is Sunday and it was a big day for me. I couldn’t sleep last night till about 3:30am – very rare for me, as I am at the start of either a bad dose of tonsillitis or bronchitis. Fan-bloody-tastic. My throat is in agony and its impossible to swallow. This doesn’t help with you have oral thrush (finally subsiding!) ulcers, and aching teeth and jaw. Oh and swallon throat glands.

I got up around 12:45pm which was a good sleep in and felt a bit better. Straight to boost juice of course – my daily routine. Today I also had a wheatgrass shot along with my immunity booster to help with my possible sickness occurring. Subiaco boost juice store is situated next to a book shop, I regularly browse their outside books whilst awaiting my fresh juice and today I was lucky. I found a book called ‘Quotable Alice’ Based on Alice in Wonderland – An all time favorite movie of mine since the age of six. I can remember in 1989 when it was being aired on TV and mum taped it for me on VCR for me (I still have the exact copy!) It was recorded with all the adverts in it – I don’t know about you, but I dispiiiised fast forwarding all the adverts when I was trying to watch the movie. By this – you can tell on the video, because I remember last watching it seven years ago in my first rental home on VCR with the intentions of watching the awesome late 80’s adverts they were close to ruined because they had been fast forwarded that many times, that they were losing sound and had a fuzzy look. DAMN! I do recall some awesome jingles on adverts, including Le Spectacles, Vita Juice, Billabong paddle pops with the platypus and friends, Dine cat food, Telethon in the late 80’s was even on at the time.. So many more. I must go get the VCR converted to DVD so I can watch it this week!

ANYWAY…. So Mardi from meditation told me that when you randomly open a book to a page – that page is relevent to you at that time. The first page I opened to was this…

“Who are you?” said the Caterpillar

This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Alice replied, rather shyly, “I – I hardly know, Sir, just at present – at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.”

“What do you mean by that?” said the Caterpillar, sternly. “Explain yourself!”

“I can’t explain myself, I’m afraid, Sir” said Alice, “because I’m not myself, you see.”

Alice and the Caterpillar, Wonderland,

Chap.5, Advice from a Caterpillar.

Okay, so how spot on is that? Well, you cannot answer that.. It is spot on. I thought of what Mardi had told me after I read that page and smirked.

We had a very quick visit from Ben and Caitlin after we returned. They were driving around to random picked friends and delivering bakery goods. Such a sweet gesture! Then we had Adam’s mum, dad and grandmother visit. This was planned yesterday because Nooni (Italian grandmother) had been very stressed and not sleeping at night because she was worried about Adam and I. What a sweetheart. She brought some assorted home baked biscuits, some fresh fruit and some sweet bubbly honey coated roll with 100’s & 1000’s. It has a proper name but I have forgotten what its called. It is a special Italian treat that the kids used to eat when they were younger! (and obviously still do…)

Ad and I went to the gym for a bit late afternoon, I just did some very easy cardio and 1kg weights. I felt like such a loser today. There was quite a few young guys around me when I was doing my lame weights infront of a big mirror and I felt a little bit self-concious as I was wearing a tightish top which made it obvious I had one breast. I dont think they really looked at me but I continued to look at the floor instead of the mirror so I didn’t make any awkward eye contact.

When I got home I felt nauseas. My sore throat had returned, I felt like a piece of lethargic jelly and getting out of the car was even a hassle. Adam went for a jog and I had a shower. I started to wash my hair with shampoo and it was stinging my scalp. I couldn’t help but to start to cry. I felt faint so I sat down in the shower and had a quiet yet long sob. One of those cries that your mouth stays open for ages and shakes whilst thick saliva is dripping down your mouth and chin, and in my case, between my legs. I felt pain, anger, fear and just plain sadness. My jaw and teeth were killing me along with my back. I felt really useless and  almost like I thought I wouldn’t be able to even get myself together and out of the shower. Although, I knew it was just a wave of emotion and I knew the feeling would pass when it needed to. Only about 20 minutes later.

I noticed today that losing my taste is bizarre because I can still smell things, so its almost like my senses create some form of taste through scent. Isn’t that insane? Yes my tongue still feels like its permanently burnt but still, yet my sense of smell has been enhanced. I suppose its similar to when you are blind – you can hear better, or other senses are enhanced. The body does some amazing things. I have realised that my favorite things to eat are frozen things. At least that way I have some strong feeling of sensation in my mouth and it also soothes that feeling of a burnt tongue.

I have noticed a few cuts on odd parts of my body too. I suppose 16 bowel movements in one day can do that.. Also my middle finger on the left side is throbbing with pain due to a little hang nail. Betadine ointment has been pretty good for these things.

I am thinking I will get organised with the photos from the photo shoot with Adam pre-mastectomy up sometime this week, also a picture of my mastectomy scar. I know it seems pretty full on to put on a blog, but its really what I want. I am an open person and I want to share this experience with everyone whether they have been through it themselves, are about to go through it, or know someone that is going through it at some stage in life. I have found it a little bit hard to find information for myself on certain things and I want to create that for others as much as I can.

Feeling sick right now, don’t think I can stomach any dinner tonight.

Good night world. xo

ZZzZzZz’s in need.

One thought on “ZZzZzZz’s in need.

  1. Sonny jade says:

    Rachi your writing is so wonderful!! This post made me tear up.. It’s so great to be able to at least feel like I’m taking this journey with you, as I’m so far away. Keep smiling babe.. Love you and miss you xx

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