Downer

After saturday’s workout with the personal trainer I was pretty sore on sunday. Its a feeling of joy really, knowing that you have worked hard enough to cause a bit of pain.

After a boost juice  on sunday, we went to the gym and I worked hard again for about an hour and a half. Cardio, weights, push ups, chin ups, boxing and ab work. I felt great as these last two days are the hardest I’ve been able to push myself since my big surgery. Funnily enough, my mastectomy side (left) is stronger than my right side – where my port is. I am having a little bit of trouble stretching/moving my right upper side so I am working really slow at getting that a bit more mobile.

Whilst I was on the treadmill, I was looking into the huge full length mirror in front of me, full of energy, inspiration and motivation thanks to Nicki Minaj playing through my Ipod, until I got teary. I don’t really know why, or where it came from but I was trying realllllly hard not to burst into tears. I go to the gym just with no hair because a bandana is now just too hot to wear, maybe seeing my reflection for a long amount of time got me a bit down, or maybe I was just having a moment..

I have been a bit stressed the past few days, wondering what I am going to do with my life when I get back on track and things go back to normal. Its pretty depressing. Can life just go on as normal after surviving cancer? Is it truly possible to pick back up where I left off? I can’t seem to get my head around it all. I know its a while off but I still like to know I have something to go back to or to start. I don’t know if I want to continue like nothing happened? Am I to start fresh and do something completely different? I think I will need to talk to someone and sort my life out when it comes to it.

Jess left on friday morning for Warsaw, Poland to see Darnell. I still feel pretty blank about it all and I don’t think I will write too much about it. But I am definitely feeling something missing from my life right now. I spoke to mum today about how I feel about Jess being away at this point of time and she wisely put it in good words. I need to let go and not hold grudges as its not a good thing, especially whilst my body is under such stress. It is just bad timing and she also needs to go out and do what she needs to do.

Mondays are a bit of a downer for me now. Its like this big hype every week for a weekend, which I don’t tend to do much anyway, but then for it to hit monday its almost like a big halt where I feel like someones pressed pause. Life is continuing in the background and I’m still here wondering what my purpose is.

Downer

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